I hope everyone is keeping sacred just a little bit of quiet in this busy season to prepare for Our Lord. How great He is! I wish I had something inspirational to say as I try to prepare myself for Christmas, but the waiting and longing is the reality for me right now, and not the experiencing and sharing.
So for some honest talk; Hopefully I can share something worthwhile or interesting! As Christmas approaches, I wonder if I am truly prepared. A wise friend told me when we first moved away from Albany to Horseheads that sometimes God removes the "supports" so that you can love him more purely. He is jealous, in a sense, of our reliance of externals. I can say that spiritually I am feeling the loss of the many supports that I had in Albany; from our women's group, to the dynamic and orthodox priests, and even the charismatic prayer services where I could go to ask for additional prayers when needed. Most of all, I miss my visits with the Lord at the Eucharistic Adoration Chapel down the street. The sweet consolation of the Lord made life blessed.
With the move, my focus has shifted spiritually to being more centered in my home. As a wife and mother, this is an appropriate shift- a step in the right direction. However, it is a hard shift. For a mom to steal quiet moments to pray, to encourage the development of virtue and character in our children, to serve our husbands with humility and gentleness, is no easy task. I know I am not the only mother to beg the Lord for more of him, and ironically less of (them) the very people through whom I am supposed to be loving Him. A retreat? A weekly Holy Hour? An evening of family prayer in which everybody prays nicely and nobody has to be disciplined? I hope and pray that I am not entirely failing at this calling, and that there is Grace abounding even where I can not see it taking affect.
Homeschooling has had its ups and downs this year. In some ways, it has been going well. I see Peter starting to be more competent in his subjects and enjoying reading on his own more. Charlie has been doing very well with his reading, and we have all been enjoying a numerous selection of picture books. Peter has been enjoying his "storybook" history. In the Fall we were able to do more of our science outdoors, which everyone enjoyed.. Yet, in other ways, this year has been quite a disappointment. Over the summer, we had worked very hard on relationships and behavior. The result over the summer was that the boys were more willingly helping with chores, speaking and acting respectfully, and were truly enjoyable to be around. Unfortunately, the business of homeschooling makes it nearly impossible (for someone like myself) to enforce the same standards of behavior. Too often whining and complaining has gone unchecked, chores have gone undone, and discipline has been dished out impatiently and haphazardly. Quality time to just enjoy each other has been at a minimum. I have to take the lion's share of the blame when I say that my relationship with my boys is not what I would like it to be. The other cause of sadness, is the lack of time/attention to devote to my dear Jonas. How it breaks my heard when he comes up to me during a lesson or discussion with his brothers asking me to help him put on a costume or read him a story. (My hands are usually also full of Gabriel, who likes to be carried around nearly constantly).
I guess some would say, "That is what school is for!" In a sense, they are probably right. It would solve a few problems, but it would create others. My boys genuinely love each other and are the best of friends. I can't see that being quite as "cool" in a classroom. They are innocent as can be, praise God, and have not been exposed to much of what a public school student invariably would. They are both bright and learning slightly ahead of the curve, though I wish they had the enthusiasm to go beyond what I make them do. (I suppose this is entirely to idealistic). So we continue to try to build, brick by brick, our family, our Faith, our education, and our love for each other. With prayer and trust.
Finally, gratitude. I must express that through all the ups and downs, I am so grateful for my boys, each one. I am so grateful for all that the Lord is teaching me in this semester of my life. I am so grateful that I married such a loving and devoted husband. I am grateful for all my family and the love and support we receive from them. I am so grateful to be able to teach my children each day, to have the gift of time to give them and the gift of myself.
Have a Blessed and Beautiful Christmas everyone! May Christ come newly into your family and our world!
