Hi All,
I am not going to go out on a limb and try to say anything too terribly intelligent today. I am enjoying a Sunday doing practically no housework and thankful that my Faith mandates that. Guilt- Free- Sundays-you gotta love it. Of course, that is no excuse for yesterday, but being pregnant and tired does fine for me.
I am reminded once again how good God has been to our family today. I feel like it was a big leap for us to try out homeschool this year, and it has not been without its trials. But, almost a full year in, I can not believe that He has rewarded us so handsomely in the growth within myself and my children. Just yesterday, I was speaking with a mom much more experienced then myself. We were talking about the stages of growth that a family goes through, the truth in the fact that there is a difference between a new mom and one years along her journey. Sometimes we are stretched to our limits, sometimes we question the trials placed before us. We tend to judge ourselves to be far less capable then we are, when guided by Grace and the learning that happens as we grow as mothers.
Perhaps the greatest gift that has happened this year, is that I am learning to be a teacher to my children. I mean teacher not in the limited sense of "doing school" but in the broader sense of teaching them how to be a member of a family, how to pick up after themselves, make their beds, say their prayers, hold tight to the values that we in our family hold dear. Though my children are mischievous and sometimes even outright naughty, there is a kindness that permeates through our family: in their relationships with each other and with other children. I am learning to resign moment by moment to God's will for each day and for my children. I am slowly making progress in embracing the sacred duties and responsibilities God has given me. I firmly believe that this growth in myself in the result of the trials that the Lord has given me. Sometimes it is only apparent what the Lord is doing when we look back. It is so funny to me how just a few months ago I was desperate and wanted to give up, and now I am enjoying homeschool and getting exited about the projects and learning that will happen next year as I pick out the books and curriculum that I think will enrich my children the most in their growth in the Lord. Most of all, I love having our family together.
Now I know homeschool is not for everyone. I believe it is a calling, and like any calling it can be scary and overwhelming. But for those who come to believe that it is what God wants for their children, I wish I could give to them the confidence and trust that God will provide. He is generous beyond measure, and the rewards far outweigh the effort. Thats all I have for today. But, I do want to mention we are having a BOY!!! More later in the week on the name we have chosen.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Fridays, families, and more...
Ahhhhh... Friday. I think I try a 7 quick takes Friday today, in imitation of one of my favorite bloggers (Jen Fulwiler conversiondiary.com) Well, here are my 7 quick takes for today:
1. I really need to work with the kids on not making their observations about people out loud. Yesterday at the park after admiring a lady's van and her bike rack, a certain four year old may have said "and you are very fat!". Now, to my children, all the differences between people make them interesting and unique. That is part of the beauty of childhood. Lately, Charlie has also been fascinated by people's ages and told someone close to me "and you are very old!" (Everyone seems old when you are four). Yet, his observations extend to tall, short, dark skin, light skin, old, young, fat, skinny, ugly, beautiful, in a wheelchair, etc. It is going to be a lot less embarrassing when the kids learn to spare people's feelings. Yet, it is going to be a sad day when they realize the differences they think are so interesting are the very things people are ashamed of, and are used by society to lift some people up and put others down.
2. I need to work harder to get Peter around kids his age, especially other little boys with similar interests. He has a couple close friends that are girls and are 4 or 5, but the boys he used to hang with are all in school so that makes our social times fewer and further between. I am always proud of the fact that everywhere we go he makes friends easily with boys and girls of different ages. Yesterday, though, as we were leaving the park, he was telling me proudly he made friends with an 8 year old. "But, Mommy!, we will have to go back to the park every day! I hate meeting friends and then I don't see them again!" Alright, so there is a need there: a desire for that boy friendship with other rough and tumble kids like himself. I signed him up for soccer, hoping that it provides a little consistency for him. I am resolving to try a little harder next year to commit to the different activities with our homeschool group so that he gets to know the kids there as well. Any other advice?
3. Next week on Wednesday we find out BOY or GIRL! I don't know what kind of child God authored this time, but I truly believe that His will is the right one. There are advantages either way. A boy means Jonas has somebody to partner up with, share a room with, etc. It means we don't have to buy double the clothes, worry as much about privacy and the inevitable anatomy questions that would come with a girl. Boy is comfortable, familiar, and I LOVE my boys. They are just incredibly sweet and loving, and funny! On the other hand, a daughter is a blessing too! I can only imagine that the bond with a daughter, the interests shared, closeness, etc. is different then a boy. Of course, hopefully it would stop the intrusive questions about "Are you going to try for a girl?" as though my boys were not equally blessings whether there was one of them or six. I do hope that the child is healthy, though I know there are no guarantees on that either. There are a few things I know for certain about this child: He or She will be a unique person in all of creation from the beginning of the world, and He or She will be welcomed and loved in our family.
4. After giving it up for six weeks during Lent, I decided Easter Sunday to de-activate my Facebook. Some people are able to moderate their use of it quite well. I find I can't. I feel badly about each person I don't say Happy Birthday to and each conversation I don't follow up on. For me it is too much competition to uphold some imaginary social status which I really didn't have to begin with. I know there are advantages to Facebook: the ability to evangelize, to create or grow in certain relationships, to be up to date with the latest happenings, to be there for people when they need you. As a stay at home mom, there have been times it has been my "lifeline" to other adults. But, for me, I find I am more able to be present to the people who need me most when the temptation isn't there. I will just have to make the effort to call friends or schedule times to get together, but perhaps that is better anyway.
5. This week our Magdalena group was transitioned to new leadership. My good friend Tara is now organizing/coordinating. She devised a new format whereby everyone in the group takes responsibility for some aspect of the ministry. I am very confident in her knowledge, her spirituality, etc. It is still another major change in our relatively new ministry. I think that has been God's way with our ministry though, to make us constantly dependent on his Grace and His power to author the conversions in hearts that He wants to use it for. I think it is a great opportunity for the women who I have watched grow as followers of Christ to now grow in their ability to bring that relationship to others. It is exiting and I continue to pray, support, and watch!
6. I have been thinking a lot lately about the importance of community in our walk with the Lord. Perhaps this will be the subject of a longer blog post one of these days. But for now, I will just share a couple of my reflections as it stands. I think that discerning the right community for my children to grow in is probably going to be one of the major subjects of our prayer for the next couple years. Brendan and I have the choice whether to move closer to our families. This would provide a little more stability and unconditional love in my children's lives that only grandparents can. I think experiencing love and acceptance is truly the beginning of getting to know the Lord. However, the Church community there is not as strong and we aren't really connected to it like we are in Albany due to our involvement here over the last few years. I am not sure whether we would have the support with homeschooling that we have now. Even if we stay in Albany, finding the right mix of solid Faith formation and passionate community is going to be a challenge. If it is too much head knowledge without the example of solid Christians around us to back it up, we can be more motivated to win at Christianity: be the most orthodox, the most proper, etc. even more then we are motivated to love Christ and each other. On the other hand, if we rely too much on the people around us, they are sure to disappoint us sooner or later and that disillusionment can even lead to a loss of Faith. Even in the best community, we can fail to develop the virtue of fortitude which enables us to stand alone sometimes. Perhaps the desire to be liked or loved by the community: to be seen as reasonable and levelheaded, can prevent us from accepting with fullness the standard the Holy Spirit has to offer. None of us come to Christ alone. We all need someone to show us the way; we come as a Church, the Bride of Christ, the Body of Christ. And yet, the community is never the end, but we must always strive to move beyond it to a relationship with Christ Himself. We are called to be in the world but not of the world, a sheep among wolves. We must love Christ in each other, but never each other instead of Him. Theologian Richard John Newhaus wrote this and I never forgot it: One time he walked up to the door of a (rather progressive) Catholic Church and there was a banner that said, "God is other people". He wanted to take it down and put a comma in so it said "God is Other, people". Love it.
7. It is Friday and Brendan was supposed to be with his family in Florida today taking a four day trip to honor his Grandfather who passed away last month. Brendan was worried about how I would handle the stress, being pregnant and being used to him providing a lot of practical and emotional support. He cancelled the trip and decided he was more needed at home. I feel quite torn about this. On the one hand, extreme relief. I admire single moms and women who are able to hold it all together when their husbands travel on business, etc. I don't know how you do it. I probably could have survived the four days with the kids, but it would have been hard for me. I do feel badly that Brendan is missing such an important family event. One thing I can say for certain, I am eternally grateful I married a man who loves his family and is so devoted to them!
1. I really need to work with the kids on not making their observations about people out loud. Yesterday at the park after admiring a lady's van and her bike rack, a certain four year old may have said "and you are very fat!". Now, to my children, all the differences between people make them interesting and unique. That is part of the beauty of childhood. Lately, Charlie has also been fascinated by people's ages and told someone close to me "and you are very old!" (Everyone seems old when you are four). Yet, his observations extend to tall, short, dark skin, light skin, old, young, fat, skinny, ugly, beautiful, in a wheelchair, etc. It is going to be a lot less embarrassing when the kids learn to spare people's feelings. Yet, it is going to be a sad day when they realize the differences they think are so interesting are the very things people are ashamed of, and are used by society to lift some people up and put others down.
2. I need to work harder to get Peter around kids his age, especially other little boys with similar interests. He has a couple close friends that are girls and are 4 or 5, but the boys he used to hang with are all in school so that makes our social times fewer and further between. I am always proud of the fact that everywhere we go he makes friends easily with boys and girls of different ages. Yesterday, though, as we were leaving the park, he was telling me proudly he made friends with an 8 year old. "But, Mommy!, we will have to go back to the park every day! I hate meeting friends and then I don't see them again!" Alright, so there is a need there: a desire for that boy friendship with other rough and tumble kids like himself. I signed him up for soccer, hoping that it provides a little consistency for him. I am resolving to try a little harder next year to commit to the different activities with our homeschool group so that he gets to know the kids there as well. Any other advice?
3. Next week on Wednesday we find out BOY or GIRL! I don't know what kind of child God authored this time, but I truly believe that His will is the right one. There are advantages either way. A boy means Jonas has somebody to partner up with, share a room with, etc. It means we don't have to buy double the clothes, worry as much about privacy and the inevitable anatomy questions that would come with a girl. Boy is comfortable, familiar, and I LOVE my boys. They are just incredibly sweet and loving, and funny! On the other hand, a daughter is a blessing too! I can only imagine that the bond with a daughter, the interests shared, closeness, etc. is different then a boy. Of course, hopefully it would stop the intrusive questions about "Are you going to try for a girl?" as though my boys were not equally blessings whether there was one of them or six. I do hope that the child is healthy, though I know there are no guarantees on that either. There are a few things I know for certain about this child: He or She will be a unique person in all of creation from the beginning of the world, and He or She will be welcomed and loved in our family.
4. After giving it up for six weeks during Lent, I decided Easter Sunday to de-activate my Facebook. Some people are able to moderate their use of it quite well. I find I can't. I feel badly about each person I don't say Happy Birthday to and each conversation I don't follow up on. For me it is too much competition to uphold some imaginary social status which I really didn't have to begin with. I know there are advantages to Facebook: the ability to evangelize, to create or grow in certain relationships, to be up to date with the latest happenings, to be there for people when they need you. As a stay at home mom, there have been times it has been my "lifeline" to other adults. But, for me, I find I am more able to be present to the people who need me most when the temptation isn't there. I will just have to make the effort to call friends or schedule times to get together, but perhaps that is better anyway.
5. This week our Magdalena group was transitioned to new leadership. My good friend Tara is now organizing/coordinating. She devised a new format whereby everyone in the group takes responsibility for some aspect of the ministry. I am very confident in her knowledge, her spirituality, etc. It is still another major change in our relatively new ministry. I think that has been God's way with our ministry though, to make us constantly dependent on his Grace and His power to author the conversions in hearts that He wants to use it for. I think it is a great opportunity for the women who I have watched grow as followers of Christ to now grow in their ability to bring that relationship to others. It is exiting and I continue to pray, support, and watch!
6. I have been thinking a lot lately about the importance of community in our walk with the Lord. Perhaps this will be the subject of a longer blog post one of these days. But for now, I will just share a couple of my reflections as it stands. I think that discerning the right community for my children to grow in is probably going to be one of the major subjects of our prayer for the next couple years. Brendan and I have the choice whether to move closer to our families. This would provide a little more stability and unconditional love in my children's lives that only grandparents can. I think experiencing love and acceptance is truly the beginning of getting to know the Lord. However, the Church community there is not as strong and we aren't really connected to it like we are in Albany due to our involvement here over the last few years. I am not sure whether we would have the support with homeschooling that we have now. Even if we stay in Albany, finding the right mix of solid Faith formation and passionate community is going to be a challenge. If it is too much head knowledge without the example of solid Christians around us to back it up, we can be more motivated to win at Christianity: be the most orthodox, the most proper, etc. even more then we are motivated to love Christ and each other. On the other hand, if we rely too much on the people around us, they are sure to disappoint us sooner or later and that disillusionment can even lead to a loss of Faith. Even in the best community, we can fail to develop the virtue of fortitude which enables us to stand alone sometimes. Perhaps the desire to be liked or loved by the community: to be seen as reasonable and levelheaded, can prevent us from accepting with fullness the standard the Holy Spirit has to offer. None of us come to Christ alone. We all need someone to show us the way; we come as a Church, the Bride of Christ, the Body of Christ. And yet, the community is never the end, but we must always strive to move beyond it to a relationship with Christ Himself. We are called to be in the world but not of the world, a sheep among wolves. We must love Christ in each other, but never each other instead of Him. Theologian Richard John Newhaus wrote this and I never forgot it: One time he walked up to the door of a (rather progressive) Catholic Church and there was a banner that said, "God is other people". He wanted to take it down and put a comma in so it said "God is Other, people". Love it.
7. It is Friday and Brendan was supposed to be with his family in Florida today taking a four day trip to honor his Grandfather who passed away last month. Brendan was worried about how I would handle the stress, being pregnant and being used to him providing a lot of practical and emotional support. He cancelled the trip and decided he was more needed at home. I feel quite torn about this. On the one hand, extreme relief. I admire single moms and women who are able to hold it all together when their husbands travel on business, etc. I don't know how you do it. I probably could have survived the four days with the kids, but it would have been hard for me. I do feel badly that Brendan is missing such an important family event. One thing I can say for certain, I am eternally grateful I married a man who loves his family and is so devoted to them!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Putting first things first...
I guess I would like to write today about times of transition. We all have those times when you know things need to change, you know things ARE changing, but you still don't know where they are going. Does that make sense?
The past year has been one busy, hectic, exiting adventure for me. It has probably been one of the best years (and hardest) of my life, for several reasons. First, I got to live out one of my dreams this past year: the dream of opening the doors to Our Lord and His Church, to reveal His beauty to those who are searching for Him. Upon the encouragement of several Christian friends and under the guidance and leadership of my good friend Nicole, we started a group for women where we were able to explore together a relationship with Christ. I know that Christ worked through me and through our group. That is an honor that I can not even begin to explain. Since Nicole moved back to Alaska last fall, I have been coordinating the group. Every one of the women I have had the honor to work side by side with or minister to contributes something that has made the group unique and dynamic.
While all this was taking place, our family was also changing. When we first started the ministry group, my eldest son was 4. Last fall we faced an important decision: that of how best to educate his mind and his spirit. I decided to embrace a new calling, that of homeschooling my children. I would love to talk about how and why we came to this decision, but that would be the topic of a whole other post! During the fall months, I did manage to juggle doing Peter's school, ministry, and trying to be a good wife and mother. But, I was right at my limit. Anything more and I would be over the edge.
I remember sitting with my Spiritual Advisor last Advent and telling him "I know God is calling my in a new direction, but what direction? What needs to change?" He said something to me that now stands out in my mind as being a bit prophetic. He said: "Whatever God is calling you to, it is going to hit you suddenly and undeniably". He said, "Advent is a time of waiting and I bet right after Christmas you are going to have a clear idea of what this direction is." It kind of makes me laugh now that it was right after Christmas that I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child!
Now anyone who knows me knows that one of the truths that I hold most dear is that a child is ALWAYS a blessing. This child instantly warmed my heart as I thought about the plans that God had in store for our family. And yet, pregnancy is not without its hardships. My first trimester I became physically exhausted and anemic. My body simply could not keep up with all I was asking of it. I remember one day sitting on my sons bedroom floor: toys strewn from one end of the house to another, the children fighting with each other and not listening to me, dishes in the sink, food on the floor, dust and dirt under the bed, schoolwork not done. A also had a long list of ministry demands that were being unmet or poorly met. I felt like I was letting down the women of our ministry, my children, my husband, everybody. I just started crying and for a long time I didn't stop. I just cried and cried and questioned our Lord asking him to remember His promise that His Grace is sufficient, His power manifested in my weakness. I felt too ashamed to ask for help, and so most of the burden rested on my husband to lift me up.
Looking back, this time of suffering that God generously gave me was truly His mercy gently reminding me that no-one is called to make a name for himself. I was not called to succeed in ministry, to "accomplish" raising my children, or to be the perfect wife to my husband. Rather, anything God calls me to do is a gift to me. My job is to be faithful. It is God who makes a name for us, and His plan is not for earthly glory, but love. We are called to be lovers, not achievers. The gift of myself to my children or my husband is truly a gift of myself: bumps, bruises, and all. God can work with that. He can work with the broken, the incapable. He can't work with my demanding of him that I do everything perfectly or even well for that matter, but only that I allow him to work through me. Only then is it for His glory, not mine. It is a lesson of trust and one that I must learn again and again.
Once I realized that I realized something else: my children needed more of me. In fact they needed all of me, at least in the ages they are right now. I know that the most important people in my life are my husband and my children. Our Lord valued family so much that he spend 30 years of his life with his family, and only 3 years teaching, and 3 hours saving. I tend to be an extrovert and perhaps a bit selfish when it comes to the amount of time I like to spend socializing with other adults. I love and value my friends so tremendously, but perhaps I sometimes give my family the stale leftovers rather then the first and best fruits of my efforts. I decided to reflect on this by making perhaps the first of many necessary changes, so I gave up facebook for Lent. This extra time allowed me to reflect on which things were truly important. What can I do without, what do I need? God's answer was glorious. He gave me the wisdom to see what was important (my family), and the courage to make the changes necessary.
The second decision is that of continuing to homeschool next year. Through much prayer and discernment, I have come to truly believe that learning at home is the best place for my children. My fear was that without the friendships, without the freedom that I am used to, I would not be able to live the life that gives me the most pleasure and happiness. And yet I know from experience that change (when it is God's will) is at first painful, the tolerable, and finally enjoyable as we strive to conform our will to His. I hope to enjoy the benefits of having a deeper and more meaningful relationship with each of my children, the benefits or having a more organized household, and more quality time with Brendan. The fear has been cast aside. "For God did not give us a Spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control" 2 Tim 1:7.
For this reason and the reasons mentioned above, I am giving up doing ministry as well. I don't think that God's plans for me are over in this area, but maybe on hold for months or even years. I know that He will do more with less, though I may not be able to see that this side of Heaven.
I don't know what God's plans are. I don't know where this is all going. I DO know that a walk with the Lord is the most exiting life that I could be leading. I will try to keep updated on my blog, though I am probably going to cancel my facebook account soon. So, please subscribe if you are interested. It may be a better way for me to keep in touch. Please keep us in your prayer.
Much love to everybody and have a Blessed Holy Week and joyous Easter!!
The past year has been one busy, hectic, exiting adventure for me. It has probably been one of the best years (and hardest) of my life, for several reasons. First, I got to live out one of my dreams this past year: the dream of opening the doors to Our Lord and His Church, to reveal His beauty to those who are searching for Him. Upon the encouragement of several Christian friends and under the guidance and leadership of my good friend Nicole, we started a group for women where we were able to explore together a relationship with Christ. I know that Christ worked through me and through our group. That is an honor that I can not even begin to explain. Since Nicole moved back to Alaska last fall, I have been coordinating the group. Every one of the women I have had the honor to work side by side with or minister to contributes something that has made the group unique and dynamic.
While all this was taking place, our family was also changing. When we first started the ministry group, my eldest son was 4. Last fall we faced an important decision: that of how best to educate his mind and his spirit. I decided to embrace a new calling, that of homeschooling my children. I would love to talk about how and why we came to this decision, but that would be the topic of a whole other post! During the fall months, I did manage to juggle doing Peter's school, ministry, and trying to be a good wife and mother. But, I was right at my limit. Anything more and I would be over the edge.
I remember sitting with my Spiritual Advisor last Advent and telling him "I know God is calling my in a new direction, but what direction? What needs to change?" He said something to me that now stands out in my mind as being a bit prophetic. He said: "Whatever God is calling you to, it is going to hit you suddenly and undeniably". He said, "Advent is a time of waiting and I bet right after Christmas you are going to have a clear idea of what this direction is." It kind of makes me laugh now that it was right after Christmas that I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child!
Now anyone who knows me knows that one of the truths that I hold most dear is that a child is ALWAYS a blessing. This child instantly warmed my heart as I thought about the plans that God had in store for our family. And yet, pregnancy is not without its hardships. My first trimester I became physically exhausted and anemic. My body simply could not keep up with all I was asking of it. I remember one day sitting on my sons bedroom floor: toys strewn from one end of the house to another, the children fighting with each other and not listening to me, dishes in the sink, food on the floor, dust and dirt under the bed, schoolwork not done. A also had a long list of ministry demands that were being unmet or poorly met. I felt like I was letting down the women of our ministry, my children, my husband, everybody. I just started crying and for a long time I didn't stop. I just cried and cried and questioned our Lord asking him to remember His promise that His Grace is sufficient, His power manifested in my weakness. I felt too ashamed to ask for help, and so most of the burden rested on my husband to lift me up.
Looking back, this time of suffering that God generously gave me was truly His mercy gently reminding me that no-one is called to make a name for himself. I was not called to succeed in ministry, to "accomplish" raising my children, or to be the perfect wife to my husband. Rather, anything God calls me to do is a gift to me. My job is to be faithful. It is God who makes a name for us, and His plan is not for earthly glory, but love. We are called to be lovers, not achievers. The gift of myself to my children or my husband is truly a gift of myself: bumps, bruises, and all. God can work with that. He can work with the broken, the incapable. He can't work with my demanding of him that I do everything perfectly or even well for that matter, but only that I allow him to work through me. Only then is it for His glory, not mine. It is a lesson of trust and one that I must learn again and again.
Once I realized that I realized something else: my children needed more of me. In fact they needed all of me, at least in the ages they are right now. I know that the most important people in my life are my husband and my children. Our Lord valued family so much that he spend 30 years of his life with his family, and only 3 years teaching, and 3 hours saving. I tend to be an extrovert and perhaps a bit selfish when it comes to the amount of time I like to spend socializing with other adults. I love and value my friends so tremendously, but perhaps I sometimes give my family the stale leftovers rather then the first and best fruits of my efforts. I decided to reflect on this by making perhaps the first of many necessary changes, so I gave up facebook for Lent. This extra time allowed me to reflect on which things were truly important. What can I do without, what do I need? God's answer was glorious. He gave me the wisdom to see what was important (my family), and the courage to make the changes necessary.
The second decision is that of continuing to homeschool next year. Through much prayer and discernment, I have come to truly believe that learning at home is the best place for my children. My fear was that without the friendships, without the freedom that I am used to, I would not be able to live the life that gives me the most pleasure and happiness. And yet I know from experience that change (when it is God's will) is at first painful, the tolerable, and finally enjoyable as we strive to conform our will to His. I hope to enjoy the benefits of having a deeper and more meaningful relationship with each of my children, the benefits or having a more organized household, and more quality time with Brendan. The fear has been cast aside. "For God did not give us a Spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control" 2 Tim 1:7.
For this reason and the reasons mentioned above, I am giving up doing ministry as well. I don't think that God's plans for me are over in this area, but maybe on hold for months or even years. I know that He will do more with less, though I may not be able to see that this side of Heaven.
I don't know what God's plans are. I don't know where this is all going. I DO know that a walk with the Lord is the most exiting life that I could be leading. I will try to keep updated on my blog, though I am probably going to cancel my facebook account soon. So, please subscribe if you are interested. It may be a better way for me to keep in touch. Please keep us in your prayer.
Much love to everybody and have a Blessed Holy Week and joyous Easter!!
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