Putting first things first...

I guess I would like to write today about times of transition.  We all have those times when you know things need to change, you know things ARE changing, but you still don't know where they are going.  Does that make sense?

The past year has been one busy, hectic, exiting adventure for me.  It has probably been one of the best years (and hardest) of my life, for several reasons.  First, I got to live out one of my dreams this past year: the dream of opening the doors to Our Lord and His Church, to reveal His beauty to those who are searching for Him.  Upon the encouragement of several Christian friends and under the guidance and leadership of my good friend Nicole, we started a group for women where we were able to explore together a relationship with Christ.   I know that Christ worked through me and through our group.  That is an honor that I can not even begin to explain.  Since Nicole moved back to Alaska last fall, I have been coordinating the group.   Every one of the women I have had the honor to work side by side with or minister to contributes something that has made the group unique and dynamic.

While all this was taking place, our family was also changing.  When we first started the ministry group, my eldest son was 4.  Last fall we faced an important decision: that of how best to educate his mind and his spirit.  I decided to embrace a new calling, that of homeschooling my children.   I would love to talk about  how and why we came to this decision, but that would be the topic of a whole other post!  During the fall months, I did manage to juggle doing Peter's school, ministry, and trying to be a good wife and mother.   But, I was right at my limit.  Anything more and I would be over the edge.

I remember sitting with my Spiritual Advisor last Advent and telling him "I know God is calling my in a new direction, but what direction?  What needs to change?"  He said something to me that now stands out in my mind as being a bit prophetic.  He said: "Whatever God is calling you to, it is going to hit you suddenly and undeniably".  He said, "Advent is a time of waiting and I bet right after Christmas you are going to have a clear idea of what this direction is."    It kind of makes me laugh now that it was right after Christmas that I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child!

Now anyone who knows me knows that one of the truths that I hold most dear is that a child is ALWAYS a blessing.  This child instantly warmed my heart as I thought about the plans that God had in store for our family.  And yet, pregnancy is not without its hardships.  My first trimester I became physically exhausted and anemic.  My body simply could not keep up with all I was asking of it.  I remember one day sitting on my sons bedroom floor: toys strewn from one end of the house to another, the children fighting with each other and not listening to me, dishes in the sink, food on the floor, dust and dirt under the bed, schoolwork not done.  A also had a long list of ministry demands that were being unmet or poorly met.  I felt like I was letting down the women of our ministry, my children, my husband, everybody.  I just started crying and for a long time I didn't stop.   I just cried and cried and questioned our Lord asking him to remember His promise that His Grace is sufficient, His power manifested in my weakness.  I felt too ashamed to ask for help, and so most of the burden rested on my husband to lift me up.

Looking back, this time of suffering that God generously gave me was truly His mercy gently reminding me that no-one is called to make a name for himself.  I was not called to succeed in ministry, to "accomplish" raising my children, or to be the perfect wife to my husband.   Rather, anything God calls me to do is a gift to me. My job is to be faithful.   It is God who makes a name for us, and His plan is not for earthly glory, but love.  We are called to be lovers, not achievers.  The gift of myself to my children or my husband is truly a gift of myself: bumps, bruises, and all.  God can work with that.  He can work with the broken, the incapable.  He can't work with my demanding of him that I do everything perfectly or even well for that matter, but only that I allow him to work through me.  Only then is it for His glory, not mine. It is a lesson of trust and one that I must learn again and again.

Once I realized that I realized something else: my children needed more of me.  In fact they needed all of me, at least in the ages they are right now.  I know that the most important people in my life are my husband and my children.   Our Lord valued family so much that he spend 30 years of his life with his family, and only 3 years teaching, and 3 hours saving.   I tend to be an extrovert and perhaps a bit selfish when it comes to the amount of time I like to spend socializing with other adults.  I love and value my friends so tremendously, but perhaps I sometimes give my family the stale leftovers rather then the first and best fruits of my efforts.   I decided to reflect on this by making perhaps the first of many necessary changes, so I gave up facebook for Lent.  This extra time allowed me to reflect on which things were truly important.  What can I do without, what do I need?  God's answer was glorious.  He gave me the wisdom to see what was important (my family), and the courage to make the changes necessary.

The second decision is that of continuing to homeschool next year.  Through much prayer and discernment, I have come to truly believe that learning at home is the best place for my children.   My fear was that without the friendships, without the freedom that I am used to, I would not be able to live the life that gives me the most pleasure and happiness.  And yet I know from experience that change (when it is God's will) is at first painful, the tolerable, and finally enjoyable as we strive to conform our will to His.  I hope to enjoy the benefits of having a deeper and more meaningful relationship with each of my children, the benefits or having a more organized household, and more quality time with Brendan. The fear has been cast aside.   "For God did not give us a Spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control" 2 Tim 1:7.

For this reason and the reasons mentioned above, I am giving up doing ministry as well.  I don't think that God's plans for me are over in this area, but maybe on hold for months or even years.   I know that He will do more with less, though I may not be able to see that this side of Heaven.

I don't know what God's plans are.  I don't know where this is all going.  I DO know that a walk with the Lord is the most exiting life that I could be leading.  I will try to keep updated on my blog, though I am probably going to cancel my facebook account soon.  So, please subscribe if you are interested.  It may be a better way for me to keep in touch.  Please keep us in your prayer.

Much love to everybody and have a Blessed Holy Week and joyous Easter!!